These lyrics have just been milling around in my mind lately. I mean haven't you ever just wanted to meet again with that certain someone who made everything feel right. I keep imagining myself in the middle of a field on a warm summer night laying with my head on his chest under the stars. We talk about literature and God. We make each other laugh and then I get to pretend I'm asleep just so I can lay there and hear his heart beat. I mean I just want to be there in that place right now. It seems so far away. Such a distant memory, what that feels like. Lol, ok I never did all those things all at once. But I have been under the stars on a summer night with a guy, lay on his chest and pretended to be asleep so I could hear his heart beat, lay in a field, talked about literature and God. Just never all those things at the exact same time. I can only imagine what it would be like though. Just take the best memories and put them all together.
I don't think this entry has a point or a connecting thread. I just have these thoughts and emotions running through me right now.
The other night was horrible. We had 90s night on our hall. Everyone was taking pictures. Not to mention the fact that I had horrible gross make up on and horrible gross hair and a not so flattering shirt, I saw pictures of myself. I hadn't seen a picture of myself in quite a while, as I do avoid cameras at all costs. Well I am fat. And not a just a little fat, I mean really really fat. I guess I didn't notice how big I had gotten. I looked so incredibly disgusting I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. It was the first day in a long time I considered throwing up my food on purpose. As soon as dinner was over we were suppose to play games and have lip sync contest and stuff. Well I basically almost cried at dinner just because I felt so ugly. As soon as we got back to the dorm I slipped in my room, into some comfy clothes, wiped the make up off and ran away. I got in my car and sobbed. I don't remember the last time I felt so helpless and ugly. I can't remember the last time I thought less of myself. I drove away. And away. For about an hour and a half I just drove. I seriously thought of not coming back. I had enough slim fast in the car to get me through for awhile. I mean I seriously counted the cost of not returning ever. Just leaving.
I've been counting and recounting the cost of running away over and over in my head. Would I tell someone just so they don't send the police? Would I tell my parents? Where would I go? How would I live? Would I be happier just knowing that I was free? If I changed my mind could I come back? Would my family take me back? Would I get lonely? Would I meet new people and become a different person? Part of me wants to just start fresh. New place, new clothes, new rules. I mean sure I moved away to college, but I drug my life here with me. I just want to live a different life than I am living now. I want to give stuff to people. I want to help those who need it. I'm in hardly any position to do anything like that right now. I'm spending thousands and thousands of dollars a year on an education that I could get for cheaper somewhere else. Is that right? Am I making the right choices?
I'm reading "Irresistible Revolution" right now by Shane Clairborne. It's a must read. But I have been rethinking everything. Everything I have. Everything I do. And I just want to throw it all away right now. I want to start fresh. I think my next 'project' for devotions is to go through the gospels and write down every command and parable Jesus gives. How we are to live our lives. Then check off the ones I'm truly following. I can't think of any off the top of my head. I guess I haven't killed anybody to my knowledge. That's about it. I lie. I hate. I keep money to myself. I in no way have given my life to Jesus. Maybe I have given myself to the idea, but my actions don't match.
I think that's all I have to say right now.
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