Brain storm.... moderate to severe

I don't believe myself to be an excellent writer. I'm not even a mediocre writer. I took english in high school. I think I got an A. I always enjoyed writing small papers. And I've always wanted to right a novel. But I've never known what to write a story about. I know only a few things I want the story to include. I want it to be an adventure story. yet I want it to be charming. I want it to be a page turning. And i want it to be a story that inspires some amount of greatness in people. I want people to want an adventure after reading it. it has to involve big things. oceans. mountains. But it also has to involve small cottages by the sea with a warm fire and a candle in the window. It has to involve fireflies and nights under the stars. It has to involve music. Music that fills the soul. It has to involve an old man. He stand hunched over on a croked cane, made of twisted wood. He is small now and feeble. He wears a wide rimmed hat and looks mostly bland. But when someone says his name, his eyes come to life and there is a sparkle in his eye similar to the sparkle of when a young man looks at his bride on their wedding day. Although he is old and near death, there is a great deal of life left in his eyes. He should probably have a love interests, or at least a long lost love. This story should involve candy. Perhapse a circus. Definately a hot, humid summers day. It should involve a lot of poverty, but no material wealth. I find it empty and I hate talking about it. It should involve backpacks and babies. Love and fear. Animals, but dogs, not cats. Trucks. Small towns. I don't know much about big ones. It should be something that resonates with someone else. It should be about people. And fast cars. Or at least driving fast. There should be many colors. Many emotions and pauses. It should involve a very small girl with curly hair. Who doesn't like a very small girl with curly hair? It should involve the woods. And a certain young man in the woods and their first time holding hands. It should be a messy book. Not clear cut with clear thoughts and times and dates. It should be feelings and descriptions. And it should surprise you in the end. I feel all of the sudden as if I should write the novel in first person. Yes. Maybe some of my life mixed in with what I wish my life would have been. I don't want my novel to be a Christian novel. i want God naturally soaked into every page and every breathe without having to give the chapter and verse. I can't decide if I want to include fantasy. Giants and flying. Somehow I think that may take away from it. Ships should be included. and sailors. But night time. And moonlight. Oh I love moonlight. and fog.
This is my mess. This is my brainstorm for my novel.

School?

So school has changed for me... dramatically. I am no longer a full time, but rather part time student. I still work full time, which sometimes makes homework a bit of an afterthought. Thankfully I don't have too much homework this semester. I am taking Health Terminology. That class basically goes something like this: I read two chapters. Those two chapters take up at least 3 hours of my life and a whole pack of note cards. I study those two chapters from the note cards and a computer program. I take a test. I do it all over again. No class. No teacher. Not bad.
My other class is Nurse's Aid Training, which prepares me for the test to become an STNA (state tested nurses aide). Please let me clarify a few things. Just because I am taking this class, it doesn't mean I am a nurse. I cannot answer your medical questions. I don't know why you're sick or what you should do to get better. I can't give you a shot. I can't give you medicine. Basically, I now know how to correctly flip you in bed so we can wipe your butt if through some unfortunate situation you find yourself immobile. The end.
So this class is a huge stretch for me. Those that know me well will understand. Let me say for those that don't know me, I am not a touchy feely person. No this doesn't mean I have never held hands with a guy or don't enjoy a good hug. That's not it. I just greatly enjoy independence. If I am sitting by you, your leg doesn't need to be touching mine (not even a little). You don't need to touch my shoulder as your passing by. I don't need a comforting hand. And if you are ANYONE other than the love of my life, Linzi Buhler, you don't need to cuddle with me in bed.
In this class, everything we learn we practice on each other. We all have a lab partner and you and your partner, to put it nicely, get to know each other very well very fast. My lab partner, bless his soul, is a wonderful boy named Judson. Judson is very gracious and puts up with me a lot. I fully believe he will be a wonderful nurse someday. When I found out my partner was the only boy in our class, I will admit my heart sank a little. Like oh great, this is going to be a long year with a guy cracking "that's what she said" jokes all the time. Thankfully, I am not partnered with any of the guys I went so school with, and Judson is just very respectful all the time. That being said, I hate people touching me. Even respectful people. One day I must have had a look of 'i think I'm going to barf' on my face well pretending to be a patient. Judson asked me what was wrong and I just looked up at him and said, "This has nothing to do with you, but I honestly just hate this. I hate other people touching me." Judson smiled and said, "well then I am sorry about what I am about to do. " Then assuming proper positioning, Judson politely put his hand on my bum and my shoulder and rolled me over and bed. Ha ha, I'm sure I make this all sound very dramatic, but for someone who has never EVER had to be in the hospital other than birth, this is a huge growing experience for me. If I am to be a nurse someday, this is also a very good experience, since I have an idea of what it's like to be laying in a hospital bed, and feel like every human dignity has just been ripped away from you. Not to mention I was happy and healthy while doing it. I would hate to know what it's like coupled with pain and sickness!
So that's what's going on in my life, and what school now is for me. A far cry from school starting at 8 and going till 3, filled with boring lectures and just trying to stay awake. Now I try to stay awake only when I am laying in a comfy hospital bed. And after a long day (my class is 5-9 at night) that hospital bed can be very welcoming!

I think I can I think I can.....

So that weight loss plan I talked about back in May fell apart somewhere in my summer, but only for a while and I am back on track. In the past month I have lost 10 pounds (and 2 belt loops!). I am counting calories. After cutting back on your eating for a few weeks, it does get easier. I am hardly ever hungry. I am also too busy to think about food most days. I work full time. I go to school two nights a week. I babysit one night a week. Whew! It's exhausting! I am also doing Billy Blanks boot camp video. Also exhausting.
I just try to keep reminding myself that if I lost 10 pounds in a month, maybe I can lose ten pounds this month, and maybe another 10 the next. And maybe by this time next year, I will actually look like the person I want to look like.
The hardest part is some weeks you lose three pounds, and some weeks you gain one. But no matter what, I have to keep going. I have to do this.
Next time I check in (if I ever get another chance in my busy schedule) I hope it's only to tell you I have lost more weight, and maybe I will even be brave enough to throw in a picture. Maybe :)

Life until now

So... how do I catch up from here. I have been on a wild crazy ride the past few years. I feel at sometimes life is dragging me by my shirt collar and at other times I feel like it's flinging me out of a sling shot. I rarely feel like I'm walking at the correct pace, just keeping up comfortably. The past few years have tested me in more ways than I expected. My senior year of high school I fell into a pattern of life that fostered extreme loneliness. As a result, I ended up dating a guy who was a total douche bag. I won't go into that more than just saying, it was a low point in my life. Then after all that I was off to a new state, a new school, a new group of friends. While I was there I felt more alone, trapped, and dead than I have ever felt. The weight of some of the things my ex had said and did hung on me like a millstone. I gained weight rapidly. I zoned out in front of the TV to try to escape it all. Sometimes I'd just drive and contemplate not returning. I made it pretty far a few times. Finally, a week before school ended, I talked to someone who helped me work through some of the major things I was dealing with and got some freedome. But even after that, life wasn't right. I felt like when I read the Bible I was reading Greek. I felt like when I prayed they hit the ceiling. I felt like when i asked God to draw near He stood at a distance. I felt like a dry sponge, begging for water, and having God look me in the eye and refuse. It had been this way for almost three years. I can still remember being 16 and having the Bible jump out at me and strike my heart it seemed like everynight. I remember laying down in my bed at night and when I prayed, it seemed as though God was sitting on my bed, talking with me. God used to speak to me a lot through dreams. God gives some people words, or visions, or things like that. He gave me dreams.
So then we come to summer. At least here at home I would have friends I know and love. And who love me and want to be with me. What I didn't acknowlege was that my self esteem was already shot to hell. My relationship with God was hanging by a thread. And life isn't all cupcakes and butterflies just because I wasn't in school. I realized I was at the age where those around me were reading to find someone special. And my friends started getting engaged. Getting married. Just weird you know. And to tell you the truth, that's what I wanted. That's what I still want.
So my heart grew heavier and heavier. I masked it and masked it. Then finally one day I got in a fight with one of my good friends. Not going to lie, it was slightly ugly, but in reality it was a pinprick to my heart. The problem was it was a pinprick to an overfull water balloon. Let's see, I got mad, I got more mad, I screamed, I sped, I threw things. Then I cried, and cried, and cried, and sobbed. It was a full on tantrum that lasted a good 4 days at least. If not more. Really in the end instead of feeling better I felt deflated. Done. I went through the motions of life for awhile. Then for 4 glorious days I went to Hocking Hills. It, to me, was more wonderful than I can say. It was beautiful. And quiet. The best night was probably floating out on the lake under the starts. I think I saw at least 3 shooting stars. And I can't forget the feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff. Something about being about an inch away from death makes you feel so much more alive. And that was it. For those 4 days I felt alive. And when I came back, I felt deader than ever. I broke down. I was ready to let go. I didn't really know what was going to happen. I can't remember the last time I felt so completely at the end of my rope. I went to my friend, Vanessa's house and lost it. I felt like this empty shell. I remember crying out some feeble prayers. Prayers like "God, I need something, or I'm done. I quit." I needed God in that moment to be more real than words on a page or an emotion during a worship service.
That night as I slept, and Vanessa prayed for me, for the first time in literally years, I had a dream. It went something like this.
I was in a hospital. I was a patient with terminal cancer. I had about 2 weeks to live. I was dying. Literally. In the lobby of the hospital was a piano. I sat there in my gown and probably hooked up to a few IVs. I sat there and played worship music on the piano. I didn't feel like praising God. Wasn't even really thinking about God. I felt, well, about like I had been feeling in life. Like there was no hope. There was no comfort. God may be real but he wasn't there. I was dying. Then, it what had to have been my weakest moment, he came up behind me. He felt like a grandpa. Just one of those huge old men who have the most comforting embrace in the world. He wrapped his arms around me and held me. It may not make sense, but in that moment, it was ok. It was like, even when it seemed hopeless, there was hope.
God spoke to me so much through that dream. He didn't show me his face. He didn't heal me. He didn't sit me down and explain to me how it was all going to be ok. But He did show that He was there. He was close. And He wasn't going to let me go through all this alone.
The next day after all that our worship team went and played in Canton. The next morning as we were leaving the family we had stayed with, I went to hug one of the many people we had eaten breakfast with. Unexpectedly (at least to me), he didn't let me go right away, but instead started prophecying over me. He simply said to me that I had been shaken. The Lord wasn't the one shaking me, but I had lost my focus. And the Lord was bringing me back to how I used to know Him.
Yeah, wow. That was encouraging and right on. I'd love to say that since that happend, God has just totally changed my life and now I'm closer than ever Him. It's simply not true. But I am making it through. And I don't feel like I'm dying. I'm hungry. I feel like my life isn't where I need it to be and I need to change it. So much so that I am considering making drastic changes in my life course. I am considering going to a bible college and just spending a few months or even a year just diving into the word of God. Just spend some time throwing out all other distractions possible and giving myself completely to building a foundation for my life.
So that's my crazy life to this point. Where I'm going next, I don't know. I think I'm about to get sling shot ahead again.

Are you serious right now?

God Bless America. Happy 4th of July to me. I had to work today from 6-2. I have been continually amazed this week at just how rude people can be. There are some people I just want to ask how their mother raised them. I mean really? People get so upset and so passionate about McDonald's. McDonald's. Seriously? I mean could we channel that passion to like world poverty, the AIDS epidemic, the American underground slave trade, and child labor? I mean maybe? No, instead we must act like typical fat Americans that want their McDonald's and they want it right freaking now. And if they don't get it they will go the extra mile to make sure your day is ruined. This week I have been chewed out my a girl that was younger than me. I have a ten year old boy role his eyes at me when I couldn't hear him mumbling his order. I had a lady refuse to my face to pull forward when her order wasn't ready, forcing me to walk around the building and give the guy behind her his order through his passenger window. Today people were swearing at me from across the parking lot because I was taking out someone else's hold order before theirs. I had a lady scratch me with her witch nails while grabbing a bag out of my hand because she felt she had waited to long (probably like 2 minutes), and then drive off before I could smack her in the face. I repeat, Are you serious right now? The wonderful part is the majority of the time, the rude people are so obese they can hardly fit in their car, and have to lean the seat back to get behind the steering wheel. They don't need to be at McDonald's anyway.
Next time you go through a fast food drive through, or next time you get groceries, or next time you talk to anyone is customer service, do me a favor and be extra polite to them. Even if something is wrong. Don't shoot the messenger. Work through it like you were talking to a human being. It really could bless them and make their day.

I'm Lovin' It

Oh how can I not write about my wonderful job? I mean, I work at McDonalds. I will openly admit, I never thought at this point in my life I would revert back to food business. Let alone McDonalds, there stereo type for the lazy teenager job. However, I will not spend this blog sounding completely ungrateful for my job, because quite honestly I had a hard time finding one, and this one is giving me 40 hours a week. Praise God!
Yes, the McDonalds I work at is a fancy new one and looks very similar to the one pictured here. It's weird kinda, but nice. I work at probably one of the nicest cleanest McDonalds I have ever been to. We keep the place nice, and all the food is clean, guarenteed. The most interesting part of my job is by far the customers. I would say maybe 60% of the time I am up front. I usually arrive at 6 a.m. I work front counter and pour coffee for countless old men. I love them all. They usually make my day, and I try my best to make theirs. It's a mutual thing. And since we all see each other darn near every morning, we better enjoy each other. One of my favorite customers is a guy named Tom. He comes in and we tell him to leave, or as Sandra (who has been there forEVER) would say, "Go have a good day somewhere else." We tell him he causes trouble and all that, and he just says he feels right at home. He's nagged from the minute he walks into the door until the minute he leaves. Of course it's all in good fun and we all love him to death. That's one part of my job. I will admit, despite the wonderful old men, there are a few creepy ones, and a few grumpy ones, but on the whole they are quite an ok group of guys. However, if given the opportunity, I happily opt out of front counter duty. I work 6-2 most days, and front counter doesn't stay busy. It makes the day go really long when you wipe the counter off for the 100th time trying to look busy. When I don't do that, I work drive through. Oh my oh my. The McDonalds drive through. There is NO DRESS CODE. Just a tip to all you all: No we really don't care if you are wearing pajama pants or if your car is a mess. But we do care if: you blow your nasty second hand smoke in our face, you treat us like dirt, you pay ten dollars in change, you refuse to turn off your disel truck while ordering, you yell at us when we miss something, usually because you are mumbling, and when you chew us out over a sprite. Seriously guys. Oh and one more thing, we do expect some clothes. I promise you everyone can see you that works in McDonalds. Cover up your tatas, put on a shirt, and for crying out loud a bath robe? We have eyes folks.
I thinks that's all I have to say for now. I will share more McDonalds stories at a later time.

Dreaming

When I was 16 I went through a semi-depressing break up (which at 16 translates to the end of the world.) So I got through it by writting songs. This later turned in to writting worship songs. And other various songs. I would say I have written maybe 2o or so at this point. Anyway, I haven't written one for a long time. I just haven't been able to. Well one just flowed right out me tonight. That's usually how songs work anyway. You can't pull them out of you, they must come naturally. Anyway, here it is. It's titled "Dreaming."

Verse:
It’s been a lonely road to travel
And I haven’t gone with a lot of grace
Sometimes I wonder who I am
And how on earth I got to this place

I’ve looked everywhere but
You seem to be so hard to find
I’ve tried everything
And you still aren’t mine

Chorus:
But tonight I’m just dreaming of what I wanna be
Of who you are and who you will be to me
I can’t wait for our moment, wait for that moment
When we meet. Oh when we meet

Bridge:
I know I’m not the person that I oughta be
And I’m trying to change
I hope that one day you’ll see
The real me

Prince Caspian

Well the other night I went to see Prince Caspian. So here's my little review. Generally, it was a good movie. Well made. Well casted. And this doesn't so much have to do with the movie makers as it has to do with the fact that C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien were good friends, but the movie I must admit had it's fair share of Lord of the Rings moments. To me, the movie was generally depressing. I fell in love with Narnia, as many people did with the first movie. In this movie, Narnia is all but gone. And there were a lot of battles and war scenes, which I can't say really interested me. My personal advice would be it's good enough to rent, but $8 may be a little much to spend on it. That's just one girls opinion though. My sister loved it and wants to see it again!
Just like the first movie, this movie definately had a lot of spiritual symbolism weaved in. Where as the first movie was almost directly the 'gospel story', this one could be more relating to faith and walking with Christ everyday. When the kids return to Narnia, Aslan is nowhere to be found. It seems he has abandon them. Lucy, the youngest, sees him and then later has a dream where he guides her. The others don't see him at all. Peter takes matters into his own hands, and fails quite miserably. There was a moment in the movie I especially liked. Lucy comes and sits by Peter by the stone table. Peter says something to the effect of 'well, at least you have seen him. I have no proof to go on' to which Lucy replies 'maybe he wants you to prove yourself first.' That's not so much to say that we have to "prove ourselves" to God, but I have been struggling so much with my faith lately. I do belive God exists, and all that. I believe he loves me and yada yada yada. My struggle has just been seeing him. I, for the past year it seems, have spent many a nights begging God for something, anything. A dream. A vision. A direct prophetic word. Just the sense that He is near. I used to have these intimate times of prayer, where it wasn't necessarily a physical feeling, but I felt close to him. Like he was sitting beside me and I was having a conversation with him. I can't remember the last time I had that feeling. And I don't know how long God wants me to run on nothing. I know my life is already slipping. If this is a test, I am failing. I just wish I could see Him.

Before

This, my friends, is the before picture. That's me on the left. My friend and former roommate Kelly is on the right. I think this is the only picture I can find at my heaviest weight. I think I made her take this picture about 3 times, and I'm still not happy with my multitude of chins or how heavy my face looks. And I don't think there is a full body picture of me at this weight. I have been avoiding cameras like the plague. The good news is this isn't a blog just to complain, but to say I'm changing some things. I'm eating way healthier than I did at school, eating a lot less, and excercising a lot more. My sister and I are doing the "Couch to 5K" running plan on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and biking the other days, excluding Sundays. We are also alternating toning upper body and lower body. So far in about a week and a half I have lost 4 pounds! I know that's not much, but I'm losing weight, and let me tell you, it's adicting. In a few months I will have some more posts, hopefully with pictures of a new me!

Here's the running plan, for anyone who want to join:
http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

Whatever

OK, no picture. My laptop is down. *Tear* Not that my last few blogs have been anything that anyone would want to read anyway. The good thing about not blogging is I have returned to journaling, which is much more therapeutic. I can say whatever I want in my journal.
Anyway, that's why I haven't been blogging.
Update on life: 2 more weeks of school
Bethany and Grandma are coming out in 4 days!
I can't wait for summer!
That's all.

homework? why

So I should be doing homework right now. I have a speech to deliver tomorrow and I haven't started it. Have I even decided on a topic? No. I can write in this stupid blog all day about anything, but when it comes to writing a five minute speech, well no. I for some reason can't.
What I have been thinking about is smells. Just the different smells in life. A good smell can bring you back to a wonderful memory. Or a horrible memory. Or a place. So.... here's just a list of smells. Best smells and worst smells. Just ones that I remember.
Spring rain
my best friends house
vanilla candles
the beach
rolls on thanksgiving
a Christmas tree
laundry out of the dryer
a good man
a new car
a 2-stroke engine (snowmobiles)
sweat... me right now
a clean baby
a farm in the summer
leaves in the fall
a swimming pool

There are so many more, but I'm plagued with guilt as I write this. Why can't I think of a speech topic?!?!?!?! Why can I not do the stuff that I get a grade for, but I have no problem reading and writing as long as it's on my time and my rules. Yes, why thank you, I do have a problem with authority.

I wish I could drive on a road with no speed limit..... I found one of those the other day.

I hate curfew, bah, it traps me here in this building with fluorescent lights.

Can I have your number please?

Yes, I am writing whatever pops into my pretty little redhead

I think one of the best earthly feelings in being in the arms of a good smelling man. Preferably tall and strong.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm bipolar or just a woman. I can't make up my mind about much and at times like this, it is very full of several different things

I wish more things in life moved me to tears

Why am I becoming you? I don't like you!

How much time do I spend thinking and doing nothing?

LOVE.... why is that so hard?

Ten days to live: Go

I wish I could run forever

And I can't believe You love me the way that You do. That you would die for me, a nobody. How can I be angry at You?

Memories

I miss looking like this. The funny thing is, when this picture was taken, I thought I was really fat. Now I look back and realize I wasn't that big at all. I was actually pretty. And why on earth did I cut off all that hair? Oh what was I thinking. I'm tired of wishing I looked like someone different, but it's the story of my life. I wish I could rewrite my life story. Don't a lot of people wish that though? I mean, go back and erase some really stupid choices. Choices like dating losers, losing good guys, overeating, cutting hair (ok hair grows back, not that big of a deal). I already feel like I look older, and I don't like that. I think I shall go workout, perhapse that will make me feel better about myself.
I want to be in shape again. And healthy. That would be good.

Waste of Space

I know I know. I've already written once today. And I've already written a few sentences about this thought, but I feel like venting, and hey it's my blog that no one reads anyway. I don't know if I'm really suppose to be here at Grace. This is a kinda bad question since I'm about to be interviewed for Growth Group leader in about 2 hours. Yeah. And don't get me wrong, if I come back, which I probably will, I want to be a GGL.
It's just everything about Grace. I feel like I'm not growing at all. I feel very stagnate and useless. I don't know what I'm doing with my life right now, and I seem to be in a very serious haze. Like I'm just jumping at the bit, ready to get started with my life, ready to make a difference, and I'm stuck here.
I don't really know if I'm sure about my major anymore. I mean sure, nursing looks good. Reminds me of a song I wrote once; there's this line that says "Only looks good on paper, kinda like foreign labor." I think that's what nursing is for me. Sure, it looks like I would be good at it and I would make good money. Good job. Job security. What more could I want? Yeah, exactly. I think those were my thoughts when I started going to school at Mount Vernon, a decision that would lead to my downfall. It was a great academic idea, then I got lonely, and ended up dating one of the worst guys I could have every dated. So that was a great time. Yeah.
Also, what impact do I have on the world right now? I guess I just thought about how much trash I generate. It's really very ridiculous. I don't recycle much. Just throw away trash. Take up the worlds supply of food and water and trash and clothing and electronic products. Take up air and stuff. But what is my contribution? I don't know. That's the problem. I want to make a contribution. And I can't like this.

This Book....BAH!

I can't stop talking about "Irresistible Revolution." I think I am going to buy a copy for my family. I think I want to buy a copy for the world. It has so managed to change my opinions so forcefully. I never thought I would not be a republican. For a while now, I've questioned my party allegiance. For a while now my dad has simply called some politicians the lesser of two evils. I think it was the fact that I really wanted to believe someone would be good for this country. Someone would really have everything right. But it's not that way. And I held on to one side for so long because they were against abortion. And let me say, that hasn't changed, and I'm not democrat, and I WILL NEVER EVER vote for any person who would willingly support a law in our country that allows mothers to kill their own children. That's a different blog for a different day, just wanted to clarify. All that to say, I've lost political ties through the process of reading this book. And I don't have any idea who I will vote for in the upcoming elections. I don't have answers. I don't know exactly what I am going to do, but at least I'm not so stuck on one idea anymore.
I've become anti-war through this book. Never thought I would go there. Never thought I would take a stand, but I can no longer defend the killing of innocent people or guilty people. I just can't support violence as a response to violence. Or violence to prevent violence. It no longer makes sense, Praise God.
I no longer linger on the topic of the death penalty. I can't be for it. I used to say I leaned toward being against it, just because I couldn't be the one to kill the criminal. Now I am sure. I could not. There is a story of a man who came out of the war, and became a murderer, receiving the death penalty. The book said it this way: The country that taught him to kill killed him to teach others that killing is wrong. Enough said.
I have decided to think totally differently about my finances. This isn't exactly new. I have to give some credit to Mike Bickle for totally changing my thinking on money. I must say this book just strengthened my idea that when there are hungry people living, and I'm overeating... well there's something wrong. And I'm wrong. I need to work on implementing this idea.
I've come to realize how horribly racist I am. I always knew that I grew up in a racist community. I will openly confess that to anyone who asks. I also always thought that I was not myself completely racist. Again, I must contribute another source to my original discovery. A few years ago I watched Hotel Rwanda and it made me realize how much I don't count Africans as people. Why? Why would I think such a thing? But it's true that when I hear about their wars and their struggles, their hunger and their disease, I think that's it's horrible, and go about my life. And somehow I do think that if I went through the things they went through, it would be somehow worse. God forgive me. I realized through reading this book I had done the same thing with the people of Iraq. I had removed their faces from my mind. Somehow their children with bullet wounds, their fathers dying, and their homeless widows weren't as important as September 11th. Somehow America's struggle was more important. A war veteran once told me that they never called the enemies nick names because they truly hated them. They used nick names for the enemies so that when they pulled the trigger, they didn't have to think about the father, the son, or the brothers they were killing. I don't know that I use nicknames, but I remove faces from my mind, so I don't have to think about the children that starve everyday, while I get fat.
I finished the book, and I am going to read it again. I'm also excited because I found out just a few days ago that the author is coming to our school. I think I will have to write him an e-mail. Maybe take him out to lunch or something.

What if we could?

What if we could put our lives on hold and meet somewhere inside of the world. I would meet you. Would you meet me? I'm glad to say that we've met but I'm sad to say that the circumstances weren't on our side. What if we could? Where would we go? If it felt right, would you want me to know? It's like a last chance for a first dance. I would meet you. Would you meet me?
These lyrics have just been milling around in my mind lately. I mean haven't you ever just wanted to meet again with that certain someone who made everything feel right. I keep imagining myself in the middle of a field on a warm summer night laying with my head on his chest under the stars. We talk about literature and God. We make each other laugh and then I get to pretend I'm asleep just so I can lay there and hear his heart beat. I mean I just want to be there in that place right now. It seems so far away. Such a distant memory, what that feels like. Lol, ok I never did all those things all at once. But I have been under the stars on a summer night with a guy, lay on his chest and pretended to be asleep so I could hear his heart beat, lay in a field, talked about literature and God. Just never all those things at the exact same time. I can only imagine what it would be like though. Just take the best memories and put them all together.
I don't think this entry has a point or a connecting thread. I just have these thoughts and emotions running through me right now.
The other night was horrible. We had 90s night on our hall. Everyone was taking pictures. Not to mention the fact that I had horrible gross make up on and horrible gross hair and a not so flattering shirt, I saw pictures of myself. I hadn't seen a picture of myself in quite a while, as I do avoid cameras at all costs. Well I am fat. And not a just a little fat, I mean really really fat. I guess I didn't notice how big I had gotten. I looked so incredibly disgusting I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. It was the first day in a long time I considered throwing up my food on purpose. As soon as dinner was over we were suppose to play games and have lip sync contest and stuff. Well I basically almost cried at dinner just because I felt so ugly. As soon as we got back to the dorm I slipped in my room, into some comfy clothes, wiped the make up off and ran away. I got in my car and sobbed. I don't remember the last time I felt so helpless and ugly. I can't remember the last time I thought less of myself. I drove away. And away. For about an hour and a half I just drove. I seriously thought of not coming back. I had enough slim fast in the car to get me through for awhile. I mean I seriously counted the cost of not returning ever. Just leaving.
I've been counting and recounting the cost of running away over and over in my head. Would I tell someone just so they don't send the police? Would I tell my parents? Where would I go? How would I live? Would I be happier just knowing that I was free? If I changed my mind could I come back? Would my family take me back? Would I get lonely? Would I meet new people and become a different person? Part of me wants to just start fresh. New place, new clothes, new rules. I mean sure I moved away to college, but I drug my life here with me. I just want to live a different life than I am living now. I want to give stuff to people. I want to help those who need it. I'm in hardly any position to do anything like that right now. I'm spending thousands and thousands of dollars a year on an education that I could get for cheaper somewhere else. Is that right? Am I making the right choices?
I'm reading "Irresistible Revolution" right now by Shane Clairborne. It's a must read. But I have been rethinking everything. Everything I have. Everything I do. And I just want to throw it all away right now. I want to start fresh. I think my next 'project' for devotions is to go through the gospels and write down every command and parable Jesus gives. How we are to live our lives. Then check off the ones I'm truly following. I can't think of any off the top of my head. I guess I haven't killed anybody to my knowledge. That's about it. I lie. I hate. I keep money to myself. I in no way have given my life to Jesus. Maybe I have given myself to the idea, but my actions don't match.
I think that's all I have to say right now.

Spring is coming, I can smell it!

BAH it's a beautiful day!!!! It's a sunny day at a balmy 37 degrees. The birds are singing, the snow is melting. Ha ha, ok I know it's not balmy, but my body is the human furnace, and 37 is about right for me. I think I'm going to go run outside today, and I can't wait. I've been waiting all winter for a nice day to run outside. And I'm just having a good day in general. Yes, I'm sure it is strongly influenced by the weather, but ALSO, I made scrambled eggs in the microwave this morning. Heck yes.
Ok, so God has just further convicted me in every way today. I open up "My Utmost for His Highest" this morning and what is the devotion for today titled but "Total Sacrifice." As soon I saw the title I couldn't believe it, since I just been on this whole 'sacrifice whatever I can' kick. Well, then the whole devotion totally convicts my socks off. You see, I was completely ready to sacrifice my stuff and my time so that I could hear from God and He would speak to me. I... me... me.... I.... Yeah. So this devotional says that's not true sacrifice. That's like trying to pay off God so He will do stuff for you. Ouch. That would kinda be what I was doing. Yep, pretty much. Real sacrifice is when you sacrifice EVERYTHING because of what Christ has done for you, not so He will do even more for you. And you sacrifice for the good of others, so that you may effective spread the Word of God, the Gospel, not so you can get warm fuzzy feelings and brag about how holy you are. Man, I'm such a mess. So then after that Gracia Burnham, author of "In the Presence of My Enemies" speaks in our chapel today. She was a captive with her husband for over a year, only for the whole ordeal to end in her husband's death as she was rescued. And she talked about how some people called her husband a martyr. She corrected us, saying that a marytr is someone who dies daily for the sake of the Gospel. Because anyone who lives for Christ will eventually die for Christ, right? What a challenge for my life. God calls me to lay down everything everyday for Him.

Take this heart of stone and make it Yours

So lately I have been convicted about... well my whole life. I mean it's gotten bad. Really bad. My heart has essentially turned to stone. It's been a slow process and very quiet at times. And lately I've just been noticing how heavy a stone heart can be, and how much I would really appriciate some flesh.
Allow me to clarify my metaphor. I am currently living a passionless emotionless lifeless life. I watch TV like I'm getting paid to do it. As a friend pointed out I basically spend my life watching other people live thier lives. I spend time on the internet that is completely useless. I sit around and play mindless computer games for hours. I go to class, do the occasional homework.... oh and you can't forget my 15 minutes I give to God before bed everynight.
And in every level of my media intake I have slowly but surely become desensitized. I don't notice swear words or sexual content anymore. I gun shot barely effects me, and blood is common place.
My heart has also slowly hardend through many wounds. It's full of scar tissue. I get hurt, and it's the most terrible feeling in the world. I have basically decided I will never get hurt again. That takes a lot of wall builing. My heart is super fortified right now. I am not vulerable or available in anyway. Instead of risking hurt, I chose to feel next to nothing.
In no way is my heart postured to recieve from God, yet every night I beg Him for something, anything. I dream, a vision, a word of wisdom. C'mon God, anything! And when I evaluate my day, how can I hear anything from through the defining white noise of my life. How is my life in anyway seeking God?
So I am going to try to make some simple yet life shifting changes, starting with the media. Less TV. I should have the courage to say no TV, but I am not there yet. For one it totally bans me from the lobby, which is the only place I see my friends. For two, I am not that strong yet. Hopefully I will get there. Two, music. I have got to do some serious deleting and some serious adding of good music. Music that points me to Christ.
Third, I need to replace some dead space with actually seeking after Christ. How do I expect to hear his voice when I never stop to listen to what He is saying?
God, overtake my life. For real. Wreck me. Change me. Mold me. Ruin me.

The Lord is my Strength

I have to give praise to God for something. Friday morning when I woke up, I found I had absolutely no energy left in my body. This of course is not unusual for waking up, but as I went through the day I never got energy. I walked to class and felt like I had just ran a marathon and my heart rate was out of control. Everytime I stood up my vision went black. I kept hoping it would go away but it just stayed that way all day. I finally had to call Applebees and tell them I couldn't come in that night. I could barely lift anything anyway, let alone those big old fajita plates! I took it as a hint from God to just spend more time with Him that night and rest. So I trucked on up to the prayer room and just spent time before him. Then, while I was there, God gave me a verse out of Isaiah 40.

Have you no knowledge of it? has it not come to your ears? The eternal God, the Lord, the Maker of the ends of the earth, is never feeble or tired; there is no searching out of his wisdom.
He gives power to the feeble, increasing the strength of him who has no force.
Even the young men will become feeble and tired, and the best of them will come to the end of his strength;
But those who are waiting for the Lord will have new strength; they will get wings like eagles: running, they will not be tired, and walking, they will have no weariness.

So I took God's promise to heart. I waited for Him. I spent time with Him. Saturday morning I got up for work. When I first got there I was still very tired like the day before. I think it took me 10 minutes just to put trash bags in. But I kept praying. Praise God, He gave me strenth to get through the entire day. I don't know how, but the fog lifted. I did my job well. I didn't mess up one order or spill anything. I had happy guests and made good tips. And not going to lie, once I was done with work I was done for the day! I came back to the dorm and flopped. But God let me make it through the day, and for that He deserves the thanks!

Veils

This is just my prayer today... so eloquently written by Jason Morant.
What will it take to be closer to You
Show me what stands in my way
Strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
You know that I want just to look at Your face
What can I give as I lay at Your throne
Is there a song to be sung
Search me all over my life is in Your hands
You know that I want to fall deeper in love with You
I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart
And strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
And know that I just want to look at Your face
O Jesus Your beautiful face

Fasting

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
(taken from Isaiah 58)

I just finished (in under a day) this wonderful book called "fasting" by Jentezen Franklin. God has been sorta speaking to my heart lately about fasting. It just keeps coming up and He keeps prompting me to fast (and I usually prompt Him to leave me alone about it). So I was buying some books on my handy flex dollars yesterday, and I came across this book. Without much thought I just threw it in my stack, figured I might as well read into it. Well I just cracked it open when I got back to the room and I couldn't put it down. God has spoken to me through this book so specifically. You see God never really put fasting as some sort of optional bonus points. No, in Matthew 6 Jesus uses words like "When you give.... When you pray.... When you fast..." It wasn't really debated, it was just something you do. But the rewards of fasting far outweigh the sacrifice. Your only sacrifice is giving up food. And really although it makes you hungry, it is scientifically so healthy for your body to fast. You see, God knew what he was doing. And the Spiritual rewards outweigh anything. Your heart becomes more in tune with what God has to say. As the verse says, fasting breaks bondages and heavy yokes. Fasting brings for quick healing. You will call to the Lord (what a privilege!) and He will say 'Here am I."

Happy Singles Awareness Day

So this picture is of my roommate's stuffed animal, haning underneath my bed. Yes, of course there is a story. Yesterday, a lot of supported the 'To Write Love On Her Arms' movement. Well, when Bekah wrote 'love' on her arms and then took a nap with her penguin, it turned out with some red marker on it. So after washing it, this is where she hung it to dry, and it just looked funny. It's still haning there, I can see its little feet from my desk.
Fun moment for a fun day
Happy Singles Awareness Day! Remember to bask is the love of Jesus!

LOVE

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS

different types of love

With Valentines day here, I guess it’s appropriate that I’m pondering love. Actually, I’m reading this wonderful book called Enjoying God by S.J. Hill. I highly recommend it.

What has been running through my mind is the verse out of Song of Songs “You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride.”

It’s a verse that can pierce you if you let it. But what I noticed is how the author described the beloved as both a sister and a bride. You see, there are several different kinds of love of this earth. Some of the girls on my hall last night were laughing about the fact that we often say, “I love him, but I don’t like love him love him you know.”

There is a love that lovers feel toward one another. I have felt just a taste of it. Often it is very stomach turning. You have butterflies and can’t sit still. You can’t eat or sleep. You day dream all the time. Even when the emotions and feeling dies down, they still make you feel good inside in a different sort of way. And when that special someone isn’t with you, you have an irrational desire to be with them all the time. You want to be with them more than anything, even if you aren’t talking to one another. You long for their presence.

There is a love that siblings have. I love both my brother and my sister very much. It’s a very deep love that can’t easily be put out. It’s a defensive love. I would stand up for Bethany and Levi any time anywhere, period. It is also a comfortable love. I don’t have mushy feelings for them, I just love them. I enjoy their company. They are my flesh and blood.

There is the love a parent has for a child. Since I am not a parent, I only can tell you what other people have told me. A parent would do anything, and I do mean anything, for their child. A mother with a baby is the most protective creature you will ever know. A parent is absolutely irrationally captured by their children. They don’t have to do anything or be anyone for a parent to love them. They can poop and smell and cry and be completely ungrateful. It doesn’t matter. A parent’s love will prevail.

Then there is the love a child has for a parent. This love is still deep. The loss of a parent is a sorrow I cannot imagine. I don’t want to imagine. I love my parents so much. It’s funny though, I have a hard time showing love to them. And although I hate to admit, I know they love me more.

There is a love that friends have. This comes in all different shapes and sizes and expressions. I love my girl friends in a similar way that I love my sister, and I love many of my guy friends in a similar way that I love my brother.

Back to the parents and children. I think it is so perfect that God made it that parents love their children more than children could ever love their parents. It doesn’t make sense. Children do nothing for their parents and parents do everything for their children. Logically it should be the other way around, and children should love their parents more than parents love their children. But it isn’t that way on earth because it isn’t that way with God. God will always love us more than we could ever love Him.

The beauty of all these types of love is that they aren’t just convenient metaphors for God’s love. No. they are deliberate intentional metaphors for God’s love. Think about Adam and Eve. Adam was perfect, the world he lived in was perfect, he communed perfectly with the perfect God. And yet God created Eve, so he would have someone else to love. Then God explains to us all throughout the bible that we are the Bride and He is the Bridegroom. He is our husband. He was perfect and lived in perfection. He loved His perfect Son who perfectly loved Him back. Yet He created us.

But God’s love goes beyond the love a man and woman have for each other, so they had children. And they loved their children. More and more people came to the earth meaning more and more different types of love. If you take the purest form of every kind of love imaginable, mix them together, and multiply it by infinity, then you get a small taste of the love God has for you! Amazing! He thinks about you all the time. He can’t get you out of His head. You have invaded His every thought and emotion. He is defensive of you. He will do anything for you. He longs just to be with you. He wants just to talk to you for as long as you will talk to Him. And He will talk to you about anything, it doesn’t matter. He is just absolutely totally hopelessly in love with you!

real blog

http://blog.myspace.com/rachelwredhair

for the record, this is my real complete blog. I just made this blog.... well for fun. So I may post a few things on here, but the good stuff is on the myspace one.

another one

um.... i like.
yes, did get new photo editing stuff. hense all the posts in one day.

cowgirl

Just an old picture of me I wanted to mess around with. Dang, I miss my long hair!

The Church of Our Savior on Spilled Blood

Out of my two trips to St. Petersburg, Russia, this has to be one of my favorite pictures. This was taken January 2007, by me, with a Kodak Easy Share. I think it turned out great.

Girls at the Lake

So I just thought I would go ahead and make this into a picture blog. I like messing around with photography, although I am horrible at it and not really serious. I was just playing around with this picture and I really like it. I did some stuff to make it look like an older photograph. Or at least I tried to make it look older. From left to right it's Barb, Linzi, Me, and Danielle. It was a great day at Lake Erie. Good memories:)