So... how do I catch up from here. I have been on a wild crazy ride the past few years. I feel at sometimes life is dragging me by my shirt collar and at other times I feel like it's flinging me out of a sling shot. I rarely feel like I'm walking at the correct pace, just keeping up comfortably. The past few years have tested me in more ways than I expected. My senior year of high school I fell into a pattern of life that fostered extreme loneliness. As a result, I ended up dating a guy who was a total douche bag. I won't go into that more than just saying, it was a low point in my life. Then after all that I was off to a new state, a new school, a new group of friends. While I was there I felt more alone, trapped, and dead than I have ever felt. The weight of some of the things my ex had said and did hung on me like a millstone. I gained weight rapidly. I zoned out in front of the TV to try to escape it all. Sometimes I'd just drive and contemplate not returning. I made it pretty far a few times. Finally, a week before school ended, I talked to someone who helped me work through some of the major things I was dealing with and got some freedome. But even after that, life wasn't right. I felt like when I read the Bible I was reading Greek. I felt like when I prayed they hit the ceiling. I felt like when i asked God to draw near He stood at a distance. I felt like a dry sponge, begging for water, and having God look me in the eye and refuse. It had been this way for almost three years. I can still remember being 16 and having the Bible jump out at me and strike my heart it seemed like everynight. I remember laying down in my bed at night and when I prayed, it seemed as though God was sitting on my bed, talking with me. God used to speak to me a lot through dreams. God gives some people words, or visions, or things like that. He gave me dreams.
So then we come to summer. At least here at home I would have friends I know and love. And who love me and want to be with me. What I didn't acknowlege was that my self esteem was already shot to hell. My relationship with God was hanging by a thread. And life isn't all cupcakes and butterflies just because I wasn't in school. I realized I was at the age where those around me were reading to find someone special. And my friends started getting engaged. Getting married. Just weird you know. And to tell you the truth, that's what I wanted. That's what I still want.
So my heart grew heavier and heavier. I masked it and masked it. Then finally one day I got in a fight with one of my good friends. Not going to lie, it was slightly ugly, but in reality it was a pinprick to my heart. The problem was it was a pinprick to an overfull water balloon. Let's see, I got mad, I got more mad, I screamed, I sped, I threw things. Then I cried, and cried, and cried, and sobbed. It was a full on tantrum that lasted a good 4 days at least. If not more. Really in the end instead of feeling better I felt deflated. Done. I went through the motions of life for awhile. Then for 4 glorious days I went to Hocking Hills. It, to me, was more wonderful than I can say. It was beautiful. And quiet. The best night was probably floating out on the lake under the starts. I think I saw at least 3 shooting stars. And I can't forget the feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff. Something about being about an inch away from death makes you feel so much more alive. And that was it. For those 4 days I felt alive. And when I came back, I felt deader than ever. I broke down. I was ready to let go. I didn't really know what was going to happen. I can't remember the last time I felt so completely at the end of my rope. I went to my friend, Vanessa's house and lost it. I felt like this empty shell. I remember crying out some feeble prayers. Prayers like "God, I need something, or I'm done. I quit." I needed God in that moment to be more real than words on a page or an emotion during a worship service.
That night as I slept, and Vanessa prayed for me, for the first time in literally years, I had a dream. It went something like this.
I was in a hospital. I was a patient with terminal cancer. I had about 2 weeks to live. I was dying. Literally. In the lobby of the hospital was a piano. I sat there in my gown and probably hooked up to a few IVs. I sat there and played worship music on the piano. I didn't feel like praising God. Wasn't even really thinking about God. I felt, well, about like I had been feeling in life. Like there was no hope. There was no comfort. God may be real but he wasn't there. I was dying. Then, it what had to have been my weakest moment, he came up behind me. He felt like a grandpa. Just one of those huge old men who have the most comforting embrace in the world. He wrapped his arms around me and held me. It may not make sense, but in that moment, it was ok. It was like, even when it seemed hopeless, there was hope.
God spoke to me so much through that dream. He didn't show me his face. He didn't heal me. He didn't sit me down and explain to me how it was all going to be ok. But He did show that He was there. He was close. And He wasn't going to let me go through all this alone.
The next day after all that our worship team went and played in Canton. The next morning as we were leaving the family we had stayed with, I went to hug one of the many people we had eaten breakfast with. Unexpectedly (at least to me), he didn't let me go right away, but instead started prophecying over me. He simply said to me that I had been shaken. The Lord wasn't the one shaking me, but I had lost my focus. And the Lord was bringing me back to how I used to know Him.
Yeah, wow. That was encouraging and right on. I'd love to say that since that happend, God has just totally changed my life and now I'm closer than ever Him. It's simply not true. But I am making it through. And I don't feel like I'm dying. I'm hungry. I feel like my life isn't where I need it to be and I need to change it. So much so that I am considering making drastic changes in my life course. I am considering going to a bible college and just spending a few months or even a year just diving into the word of God. Just spend some time throwing out all other distractions possible and giving myself completely to building a foundation for my life.
So that's my crazy life to this point. Where I'm going next, I don't know. I think I'm about to get sling shot ahead again.