homework? why

So I should be doing homework right now. I have a speech to deliver tomorrow and I haven't started it. Have I even decided on a topic? No. I can write in this stupid blog all day about anything, but when it comes to writing a five minute speech, well no. I for some reason can't.
What I have been thinking about is smells. Just the different smells in life. A good smell can bring you back to a wonderful memory. Or a horrible memory. Or a place. So.... here's just a list of smells. Best smells and worst smells. Just ones that I remember.
Spring rain
my best friends house
vanilla candles
the beach
rolls on thanksgiving
a Christmas tree
laundry out of the dryer
a good man
a new car
a 2-stroke engine (snowmobiles)
sweat... me right now
a clean baby
a farm in the summer
leaves in the fall
a swimming pool

There are so many more, but I'm plagued with guilt as I write this. Why can't I think of a speech topic?!?!?!?! Why can I not do the stuff that I get a grade for, but I have no problem reading and writing as long as it's on my time and my rules. Yes, why thank you, I do have a problem with authority.

I wish I could drive on a road with no speed limit..... I found one of those the other day.

I hate curfew, bah, it traps me here in this building with fluorescent lights.

Can I have your number please?

Yes, I am writing whatever pops into my pretty little redhead

I think one of the best earthly feelings in being in the arms of a good smelling man. Preferably tall and strong.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm bipolar or just a woman. I can't make up my mind about much and at times like this, it is very full of several different things

I wish more things in life moved me to tears

Why am I becoming you? I don't like you!

How much time do I spend thinking and doing nothing?

LOVE.... why is that so hard?

Ten days to live: Go

I wish I could run forever

And I can't believe You love me the way that You do. That you would die for me, a nobody. How can I be angry at You?

Memories

I miss looking like this. The funny thing is, when this picture was taken, I thought I was really fat. Now I look back and realize I wasn't that big at all. I was actually pretty. And why on earth did I cut off all that hair? Oh what was I thinking. I'm tired of wishing I looked like someone different, but it's the story of my life. I wish I could rewrite my life story. Don't a lot of people wish that though? I mean, go back and erase some really stupid choices. Choices like dating losers, losing good guys, overeating, cutting hair (ok hair grows back, not that big of a deal). I already feel like I look older, and I don't like that. I think I shall go workout, perhapse that will make me feel better about myself.
I want to be in shape again. And healthy. That would be good.

Waste of Space

I know I know. I've already written once today. And I've already written a few sentences about this thought, but I feel like venting, and hey it's my blog that no one reads anyway. I don't know if I'm really suppose to be here at Grace. This is a kinda bad question since I'm about to be interviewed for Growth Group leader in about 2 hours. Yeah. And don't get me wrong, if I come back, which I probably will, I want to be a GGL.
It's just everything about Grace. I feel like I'm not growing at all. I feel very stagnate and useless. I don't know what I'm doing with my life right now, and I seem to be in a very serious haze. Like I'm just jumping at the bit, ready to get started with my life, ready to make a difference, and I'm stuck here.
I don't really know if I'm sure about my major anymore. I mean sure, nursing looks good. Reminds me of a song I wrote once; there's this line that says "Only looks good on paper, kinda like foreign labor." I think that's what nursing is for me. Sure, it looks like I would be good at it and I would make good money. Good job. Job security. What more could I want? Yeah, exactly. I think those were my thoughts when I started going to school at Mount Vernon, a decision that would lead to my downfall. It was a great academic idea, then I got lonely, and ended up dating one of the worst guys I could have every dated. So that was a great time. Yeah.
Also, what impact do I have on the world right now? I guess I just thought about how much trash I generate. It's really very ridiculous. I don't recycle much. Just throw away trash. Take up the worlds supply of food and water and trash and clothing and electronic products. Take up air and stuff. But what is my contribution? I don't know. That's the problem. I want to make a contribution. And I can't like this.

This Book....BAH!

I can't stop talking about "Irresistible Revolution." I think I am going to buy a copy for my family. I think I want to buy a copy for the world. It has so managed to change my opinions so forcefully. I never thought I would not be a republican. For a while now, I've questioned my party allegiance. For a while now my dad has simply called some politicians the lesser of two evils. I think it was the fact that I really wanted to believe someone would be good for this country. Someone would really have everything right. But it's not that way. And I held on to one side for so long because they were against abortion. And let me say, that hasn't changed, and I'm not democrat, and I WILL NEVER EVER vote for any person who would willingly support a law in our country that allows mothers to kill their own children. That's a different blog for a different day, just wanted to clarify. All that to say, I've lost political ties through the process of reading this book. And I don't have any idea who I will vote for in the upcoming elections. I don't have answers. I don't know exactly what I am going to do, but at least I'm not so stuck on one idea anymore.
I've become anti-war through this book. Never thought I would go there. Never thought I would take a stand, but I can no longer defend the killing of innocent people or guilty people. I just can't support violence as a response to violence. Or violence to prevent violence. It no longer makes sense, Praise God.
I no longer linger on the topic of the death penalty. I can't be for it. I used to say I leaned toward being against it, just because I couldn't be the one to kill the criminal. Now I am sure. I could not. There is a story of a man who came out of the war, and became a murderer, receiving the death penalty. The book said it this way: The country that taught him to kill killed him to teach others that killing is wrong. Enough said.
I have decided to think totally differently about my finances. This isn't exactly new. I have to give some credit to Mike Bickle for totally changing my thinking on money. I must say this book just strengthened my idea that when there are hungry people living, and I'm overeating... well there's something wrong. And I'm wrong. I need to work on implementing this idea.
I've come to realize how horribly racist I am. I always knew that I grew up in a racist community. I will openly confess that to anyone who asks. I also always thought that I was not myself completely racist. Again, I must contribute another source to my original discovery. A few years ago I watched Hotel Rwanda and it made me realize how much I don't count Africans as people. Why? Why would I think such a thing? But it's true that when I hear about their wars and their struggles, their hunger and their disease, I think that's it's horrible, and go about my life. And somehow I do think that if I went through the things they went through, it would be somehow worse. God forgive me. I realized through reading this book I had done the same thing with the people of Iraq. I had removed their faces from my mind. Somehow their children with bullet wounds, their fathers dying, and their homeless widows weren't as important as September 11th. Somehow America's struggle was more important. A war veteran once told me that they never called the enemies nick names because they truly hated them. They used nick names for the enemies so that when they pulled the trigger, they didn't have to think about the father, the son, or the brothers they were killing. I don't know that I use nicknames, but I remove faces from my mind, so I don't have to think about the children that starve everyday, while I get fat.
I finished the book, and I am going to read it again. I'm also excited because I found out just a few days ago that the author is coming to our school. I think I will have to write him an e-mail. Maybe take him out to lunch or something.

What if we could?

What if we could put our lives on hold and meet somewhere inside of the world. I would meet you. Would you meet me? I'm glad to say that we've met but I'm sad to say that the circumstances weren't on our side. What if we could? Where would we go? If it felt right, would you want me to know? It's like a last chance for a first dance. I would meet you. Would you meet me?
These lyrics have just been milling around in my mind lately. I mean haven't you ever just wanted to meet again with that certain someone who made everything feel right. I keep imagining myself in the middle of a field on a warm summer night laying with my head on his chest under the stars. We talk about literature and God. We make each other laugh and then I get to pretend I'm asleep just so I can lay there and hear his heart beat. I mean I just want to be there in that place right now. It seems so far away. Such a distant memory, what that feels like. Lol, ok I never did all those things all at once. But I have been under the stars on a summer night with a guy, lay on his chest and pretended to be asleep so I could hear his heart beat, lay in a field, talked about literature and God. Just never all those things at the exact same time. I can only imagine what it would be like though. Just take the best memories and put them all together.
I don't think this entry has a point or a connecting thread. I just have these thoughts and emotions running through me right now.
The other night was horrible. We had 90s night on our hall. Everyone was taking pictures. Not to mention the fact that I had horrible gross make up on and horrible gross hair and a not so flattering shirt, I saw pictures of myself. I hadn't seen a picture of myself in quite a while, as I do avoid cameras at all costs. Well I am fat. And not a just a little fat, I mean really really fat. I guess I didn't notice how big I had gotten. I looked so incredibly disgusting I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. It was the first day in a long time I considered throwing up my food on purpose. As soon as dinner was over we were suppose to play games and have lip sync contest and stuff. Well I basically almost cried at dinner just because I felt so ugly. As soon as we got back to the dorm I slipped in my room, into some comfy clothes, wiped the make up off and ran away. I got in my car and sobbed. I don't remember the last time I felt so helpless and ugly. I can't remember the last time I thought less of myself. I drove away. And away. For about an hour and a half I just drove. I seriously thought of not coming back. I had enough slim fast in the car to get me through for awhile. I mean I seriously counted the cost of not returning ever. Just leaving.
I've been counting and recounting the cost of running away over and over in my head. Would I tell someone just so they don't send the police? Would I tell my parents? Where would I go? How would I live? Would I be happier just knowing that I was free? If I changed my mind could I come back? Would my family take me back? Would I get lonely? Would I meet new people and become a different person? Part of me wants to just start fresh. New place, new clothes, new rules. I mean sure I moved away to college, but I drug my life here with me. I just want to live a different life than I am living now. I want to give stuff to people. I want to help those who need it. I'm in hardly any position to do anything like that right now. I'm spending thousands and thousands of dollars a year on an education that I could get for cheaper somewhere else. Is that right? Am I making the right choices?
I'm reading "Irresistible Revolution" right now by Shane Clairborne. It's a must read. But I have been rethinking everything. Everything I have. Everything I do. And I just want to throw it all away right now. I want to start fresh. I think my next 'project' for devotions is to go through the gospels and write down every command and parable Jesus gives. How we are to live our lives. Then check off the ones I'm truly following. I can't think of any off the top of my head. I guess I haven't killed anybody to my knowledge. That's about it. I lie. I hate. I keep money to myself. I in no way have given my life to Jesus. Maybe I have given myself to the idea, but my actions don't match.
I think that's all I have to say right now.

Spring is coming, I can smell it!

BAH it's a beautiful day!!!! It's a sunny day at a balmy 37 degrees. The birds are singing, the snow is melting. Ha ha, ok I know it's not balmy, but my body is the human furnace, and 37 is about right for me. I think I'm going to go run outside today, and I can't wait. I've been waiting all winter for a nice day to run outside. And I'm just having a good day in general. Yes, I'm sure it is strongly influenced by the weather, but ALSO, I made scrambled eggs in the microwave this morning. Heck yes.
Ok, so God has just further convicted me in every way today. I open up "My Utmost for His Highest" this morning and what is the devotion for today titled but "Total Sacrifice." As soon I saw the title I couldn't believe it, since I just been on this whole 'sacrifice whatever I can' kick. Well, then the whole devotion totally convicts my socks off. You see, I was completely ready to sacrifice my stuff and my time so that I could hear from God and He would speak to me. I... me... me.... I.... Yeah. So this devotional says that's not true sacrifice. That's like trying to pay off God so He will do stuff for you. Ouch. That would kinda be what I was doing. Yep, pretty much. Real sacrifice is when you sacrifice EVERYTHING because of what Christ has done for you, not so He will do even more for you. And you sacrifice for the good of others, so that you may effective spread the Word of God, the Gospel, not so you can get warm fuzzy feelings and brag about how holy you are. Man, I'm such a mess. So then after that Gracia Burnham, author of "In the Presence of My Enemies" speaks in our chapel today. She was a captive with her husband for over a year, only for the whole ordeal to end in her husband's death as she was rescued. And she talked about how some people called her husband a martyr. She corrected us, saying that a marytr is someone who dies daily for the sake of the Gospel. Because anyone who lives for Christ will eventually die for Christ, right? What a challenge for my life. God calls me to lay down everything everyday for Him.

Take this heart of stone and make it Yours

So lately I have been convicted about... well my whole life. I mean it's gotten bad. Really bad. My heart has essentially turned to stone. It's been a slow process and very quiet at times. And lately I've just been noticing how heavy a stone heart can be, and how much I would really appriciate some flesh.
Allow me to clarify my metaphor. I am currently living a passionless emotionless lifeless life. I watch TV like I'm getting paid to do it. As a friend pointed out I basically spend my life watching other people live thier lives. I spend time on the internet that is completely useless. I sit around and play mindless computer games for hours. I go to class, do the occasional homework.... oh and you can't forget my 15 minutes I give to God before bed everynight.
And in every level of my media intake I have slowly but surely become desensitized. I don't notice swear words or sexual content anymore. I gun shot barely effects me, and blood is common place.
My heart has also slowly hardend through many wounds. It's full of scar tissue. I get hurt, and it's the most terrible feeling in the world. I have basically decided I will never get hurt again. That takes a lot of wall builing. My heart is super fortified right now. I am not vulerable or available in anyway. Instead of risking hurt, I chose to feel next to nothing.
In no way is my heart postured to recieve from God, yet every night I beg Him for something, anything. I dream, a vision, a word of wisdom. C'mon God, anything! And when I evaluate my day, how can I hear anything from through the defining white noise of my life. How is my life in anyway seeking God?
So I am going to try to make some simple yet life shifting changes, starting with the media. Less TV. I should have the courage to say no TV, but I am not there yet. For one it totally bans me from the lobby, which is the only place I see my friends. For two, I am not that strong yet. Hopefully I will get there. Two, music. I have got to do some serious deleting and some serious adding of good music. Music that points me to Christ.
Third, I need to replace some dead space with actually seeking after Christ. How do I expect to hear his voice when I never stop to listen to what He is saying?
God, overtake my life. For real. Wreck me. Change me. Mold me. Ruin me.